By Tamyara Brown
I have always embraced happiness. Embrace joy because being miserable made me sick. So I chose to be a man surrounded around nothing that brought on such misery and pain. It is why Joy has been my wife for fifteen years. She brings out the best of me, blesses me with her sweet kisses and tender touch. No lie I fall in love at the sight of my wife over and over again. So while putting away the laundry and finding a suicide note baffled me. Was I not attentive to her and did I miss the signs of her unhappiness?
I run the the stairs and she is the kitchen preparing dinner. The aroma of her signature spaghetti sauce, fresh baked garlic bread and double chocolate brownies. I observed her, the way her hair is sleek back in a ponytail, her caramel complexion effortlessly flawless, the way her kissable lips are shine with lip gloss, her big booty and full frame has me going insane. I wrap my arms around her and kiss her neck. I nibble in her ear and gently slap her behind.
"Can we talk a minute?" She wipes her hand on the towel and walks on her tippy toes. She sits on the couch and for the first time I can see her hanging her head low. I slide the letter in her hand.
"What is this you talking about suicide?"
Her cheeks are flush red, she fidgets in the seat and lowers her chin.
"Liam, I don't want to talk about it." In a weakened voices and her lips trembles.
"Joy, I don't understand I thought we I mean you where happy."
Her eyes are dull they've lost that sparkle and sobs are trapped in her throat.
"You don't get it and you never will."
I move closer to her and turn her face to mine.
"Make me understand exactly what it is your talking about?"
"You have never changed body wise. You are slender, handsome and I've put on eighty pounds doesn't that embarrass you? I just don't feel happy in my own body. Rolls, stretch marks, and I feel so ugly."
She gets up from and storms off into the dining room. I follow her and stand in front of her.
"That is a silly reason to want to end your life. You have a husband who loves all of you and your talking silly."
She throws her hand in the air and she slams the dishes on the table.
"You ever look at me try on a pair of pants that don't fit? Or all the fad diets that I buy. I'm constantly trying new shit to lose weight. I heard the other women talk about how they don't understand why you stay with me. It is the same arms and question I ask myself."
She covers her face and I lean against the cabinet. I take a deep breath and stick my tongue in between the gap in my teeth.
"Have I ever made you feel in adequate as a woman because of your weight?" I fold my arms and tap my feet.
"Yes!" She shoots me a sharp look and my mouth drops open.
"I've always praise your beauty and it has never bother you once." It was the truth listening to her breathe was aphrodisiac. Watching her cry made me cry and hearing her speak her pain meant as her husband I had to be and do better, choose words to serenade her tender heart. I had to make her see why her weight was not suppose to be what happiness is.
" Liam, you threw in things like baby join the gym with me. Maybe you should wear the black dress than the purple one. No you can't come to the event tonight because this is business and not pleasure. I know what that means."
I rub my cheeks and turn up my lips.
"I never said it to hurt you I thought of it as a way for us to spend time together. I do like the black dress because it shows your cleavage. I didn't always want you to come because it was about business. You wanting to off yourself is stupid."
That right there is what I am talking about when it comes to dealing with my feelings. It's too hard to believe I am unhappy in my life. It is not silly to not want to hide behind sweats, all black and you are insensitive ass."
She grabs the keys, throws on her overcoat and I follow her.
"Where are you going ?" I holler.
"Away maybe to act out my letter. You don't get it because you have those beautiful hazel eyes, those thick lips and muscular body. You are still perfect."
I pull open the car door and sit in the passenger's seat. I take her hand and kiss it.
"Look at me please. Just really look and listen to me."
She turns her head and the sound of Brian McKnight's Baby, it is U.
The words spoke of our love story. She is still the very beat of my heart and no other woman could replace her. At 225 pounds she is still as gorgeous the day I met her. I lay my head on her shoulder and she looks straight ahead.
"I apologize for never acknowledging your feelings. I didn't know you where so unhappy with me and with you. I want to help fix you."
She looks in the air and smooths her hand over my face.
"I just want to feel good inside and to be honest it has nothing to do with you. You are a good man and the abundance of love I receive from you is top of the line. It is all me there are days I can't look in the mirror without comparing myself to Beyoncé , to Rihanna and even Janet Jackson who is my age. Shit, I've fail myself. All those women you work with in their forties and they are perfection."
I raise my eyebrows and chuckle.
"Do you realize that most of the women have had some artificial enhancements to their body?That majority of them are so ugly inside that it disgusts me to be around them. It is my job to make them look best in a photograph. It takes a helluva of lot of effort. When I take pictures of you sleeping, when you sit on the couch and comb our daughter's hair. It is no effort to see beauty, to see love in your eyes. "
"Don't do it."
" I'm telling you the truth and for fifteen years I watch you birth babies, woke up to bed to bed hair and smelled your morning breath and I fall in love over and over again. Do you realize you tolerate my stinky feet, my nagging ways and nothing so simple as your weight could cause me to stop loving you."
"Liam, I get on your last nerve. You don't have to butter me I am not going to commit suicide."
"You do get on my nerves but I bug the shit out of you. As husband and wife it is our job. I tell you again and again woman I wouldn't trade you for nothing in this world."
"Do you still think I'm sexy?"
I lick my lips,run my hand down her thigh and in between her legs. I bite the bottom of my lip.
"Darling, You have this misconception about my love for you.
Last night as I was stroking your kitten begging you to cum for me. I was so lost in your kisses, overwhelmed my how your touch makes me fall in love every second of the day. You turn me on just breathing and raising your eye brow. Wrinkle your nose and i am as hard as steel.Listening to you moan my name as I nibble on your belly button and blow bubbles on your clit.
Happiness is waking up to next to my cuddle bear and yet you doubt my love for you. Woman of mine look into my eyes, put your hand on my heart and listen to my words it will tell you every second of day I fall in love over and over again."
"I just want to be happy. I want to love myself the way you love me."
"Come with me in the house. It is time for you see what I see."
We go in the house and I pull out the big mirror in front of her. I pull out my camera and remove every inch of her clothes. I feel myself become erect and she covers her body and turns from the mirror. I move her hands, run mine across her breast and snap a picture.
"Look at your body, look at that stomach that held three of my babies. Beautiful."
The flash of the camera, the curve of her ass, the thickness of her thighs. Frame after frame. Tears fall and she was overwhelmed with emotions. Flashing on our computer screen is effortless beauty. From the top of her head to the pretty color painted on her toes.
"Joy, look in the mirror, no make-up, just every reason for you to be sheer awe of your beauty. No Photoshop, no filters or perfect lighting."
I put down the camera, stand behind her, wrap my arms around her and hold her.
"I feel so safe with you. Fifteen years and you bring out the best in me. You spark a light in my soul, bring a twinkle in my eyes and I know what happiness is."
"What is it?"
"Being loved and seeing it in your eyes. Looking at myself with your eyes and not feeling crazy standing in the middle of our room naked.
" Happiness will never be created by society standards. You are surrounded by love and affection. You feel overwhelmed I'm here. You feel suicidal I am here to fight for your life. Losing you would be like losing half my heart. You are never alone and don't ever think that again. You hear me?
I kiss her again and she shakes her finger.
"The babies are home in ten minutes and keep cave man down. I hear every word but this time I am listening.
©2015 Tamyara Brown- Tamluvstowrite
©2015 Tamyara Brown- Tamluvstowrite
Author Tamyara Brown
My love for writing is unconditional. It is my sanity in this crazy world.