Love has no weight size.
By Tamyara Brown
Anthony watched her and knew it was the woman he had fallen in love with ten years ago. She had change in size, but to him she was still beautiful. Her smile still lit up the sky, her chocolate complexion, her chestnut brown eyes, and the way she pulled her hair behind her ear it was Karamella Brown all right. He had so many words he wanted to say to her but the main three chosen ones was, “I love you.” He hadn’t spoken to her since their last visit ten years ago when he was in Collins Correctional Facility. She abruptly told him it was over between the two of them because he couldn’t love a woman of her size. She stated that she was not the woman he needed in his life because she was not pretty or thin enough and could not be an embarrassment to him. Nothing devastated him more than to lose her and gruel over it while doing time because in his heart he had found his soul mate.
Karamella ten years ago turned down his marriage proposal while he was incarcerated because everyone filled her head with lies about him only using her for money, that a fine ass, big dick thug like him couldn’t love her or want to give her his last name without a motive. She was the woman for him and he wished everyone had of stayed the fuck out of their business. They had no clue what he felt for Karamella, she was supposed to be his wife, he loved her from the heart and his feelings were genuine. He asked her to marry him out of love not for some financial gain and visits. Shit, to be honest his brothers blessed him with commissary and all that he ever needed while he was incarcerated. He was a part of the notorious drug family of Buffalo who was wealthy. He had happen to get caught having marijuana and made a choice to take one for the team and do a bid. He honored family and would never dishonor them by selling them out to the Feds. Just the way he had honoed Karamella they had spent a wonderful two years together beside the occasional tiff and beef they where fine. Yet haters and her family had shit to say about their love.
He knew his faults and the shit he was into was wrong, it was all he knew back then. He had inherited the life of the streets. A knuckle head dude lost in the sauce which led him to donating ten years of his life to penal system. He now understood that a real man was one who changed for the better. Yet no matter how great a King he figure out he needed a Queen and that was Karamella.
Anthony had to make a decision whether or not to approach her because it was years since they seen one another. Karamella got on the number 20 bus on Elmwood Avenue. He always planned his movements a lesson well learned from the streets and jail. He had gotten a gig with this apprenticeship program called “ Greater Movements and Opportunity”. A prison re-entry-training program with Time Warner Cable, which trains men and women how to install cable and internet services to residential homes and businesses. He was one out of fifty chosen and the only black man. It made him proud to know he not only had street smarts but book knowledge. He was making major dollars and now employed with Time Warner Cable.
He had been doing this gig for a year and getting his constitution together. He just moved out of the half way house, bought a car and life was looking up for him. Yet, since that year his mind had been on Karamella. It was the way things ended, she still stayed in contact by never forgetting his birthday and holidays. She sent him commissary and food packages. When he wrote she’d never write back and nothing hurt him more.
Love wouldn’t allow Anthony to walk away he was crazy about that woman. Yes, he had other women in the past but Karamella was the one. He knew her issues with self-esteem and her weight played a major part in that but to him she was the sexiest woman in the world. He never gave two shits if she was a two hundred and fifty-pound woman he wouldn’t care if she was five hundred pounds. She was the one who was there for him even his own mother abandoned him in his time of need. It was her who nursed him well after being shot.
He took in a deep breath and knew he had to talk to her. She sat at the bus stop with a book in her hand and he admire her because she had not change. Karamella has always been an avid reader and would read almost anything except horror stories. She was dress in a blue sundress and her hair pulled back in a ponytail; she had three bags of grocery sitting next to her. He cursed himself when the bus was coming down, she lifted her bags and one busted causing her groceries to roll onto the sidewalk. It was God’s way of opening a close door because the bus pulled off and she was stuffing the groceries in the other bag. He ran across the street, his heart beating fast and his stomach filled with butterflies as he approach her.
“ You need help with that Karamella?” She looks and her beautiful brown eyes are now wide. She straightens her clothes pulls her hair behind her ear.
“Anthony. Oh my God Hi. How are you? Can I hug you?” He responded by hugging her tight and kissing her on the cheek. Anthony was 6”4, light complexion and long dreads so he towered over her, his muscles protruded through the Blue uniform shirt.
“I’m good got a gig with Time Warner Cable company as fiber optic technician and cable installer, just move into my apartment and got a car. What about you?”
She hesitated to answer, for the last few years’ life had not been kind to her. She was working at Installs for the past nine years and finally got promoted as a supervisor but her love life with a fool left her broken in spirit and increasing her love and comfort of food. He ran up her credit and bounced out of her life.
She replied, “Fine you know still working and living. I’m proud of you Anthony I knew you would turn out to be great. You always was a good man.” She touched his hand.
“ I needed to hear that. You have all these bags can we catch up while I give you a ride home?” She shook her head no.
“Thank you I’m fine Anthony?” She twisted her lip and sucked in air to hold her stomach in. She thought she looked hideous she would not embarrass him with the likes of her.
“Do you have a man or something?” He folded his arms like she remembers and the tattoo of her name was still on his arm. He had gotten so big and built it was hard not to admire him. She knew some beautiful petite woman snatched him up. This fine ass man who she shared nights making love to her, holding hands while walking through Deleware Park. Yes, she remembers all of the wonderful times they shared.
“No, nobody wants no fat ass woman like me unless they can get something? I am well aware of that now. Shoot I will not set myself up for failure. ” Anthony frowned and his narrow eyes became tight, his dimples peeked through as his jaw twitched.
“ I’ll ignore that fucked up remark you made and bring my car around. Look I’m giving you ride home. You took care of me while I was away. I just want to make sure you get home safe, catch up on old times Karamella. Man, I never like you talking about yourself like that.”
Anthony walked across the street he open the door to his silver car. He was a chapter in her past; she was not good enough for him she thought. Besides if the results from her biopsy came back positive for breast cancer it would be useless to bring him in her life. She couldn’t inflict any more pain on herself or him. He pulled into Wilson Farms he had four boxes, he began packing the groceries for her.
“ Go in the car, I got this.” She follows his orders and sat in the car. Within minutes he was inside of the car and for a minute she thought he wanted to kiss her. He puts on his seatbelt and the radio is playing, Fantasia’s "Truth is" was playing. How ironic Karamella thought as he pulled off?
“You still on Richmond and Bidwell?”
“Yes I haven’t moved Anthony? I can't afford to anyway.”
“ Could of fool the hell out of me, thought you never got any of my letters I wrote.” She bit her bottom lip and looked away.
“ I’m sorry Anthony, I never forgot about you. I sent money for your books and cards.” He sucks his teeth and turn down the radio. He pulled over and they sat in silence for a moment. He always thought before he spoke. His jaw was twitching and he leans back in his seat. He looks her directly in her eyes and touches her hand.
“ Karamella, I never needed your money or cards, though appreciated I needed a little more than that from you. While lockdown my constitution was on point, my brothers and the soldiers out here had my back when it came to making sure my books was full. I know you well so don’t bullshit me. The streets talk so I know you follow along with your mother’s plan and she set you up with some nigger from her church who did you dirty. I heard he ran up a ten thousand dollars in debt on your credit cards. I also heard you caught him in your bed with another broad.” Karamella put her head down, cleared her throat and replied,
“ I gave you what I had. That thing with Hasaan only lasted a year after that I stayed to myself because nobody wants me of all people. Look at me it’s not like I’m this pretty, thin girl with long flowing hair. I am ugly and fat. If I had more I would have given it to you it what you wanted from me anyway.” He curses under his breath and hit the steering wheel.
“ You still after all these years don’t get it, do you? I love you and you talking about material shit. I needed to hug you, kiss you and look you in the eyes to make sure you were okay. I needed your words of encouragement to keep me grounded in that hellhole. I needed you and your love. Corny as that shit may sound it’s true. I never wanted nothing more from you.” He started back up his car and shook his head. He mumbles under his breath like always when he was upset.
“ I thought you deserve a better woman. Mama and my sister all said they didn’t know what you saw in a fat ass woman like me. Shoot, neither did I. Anthony, you could and can have any woman you want so keep it real. You just felt sorry for me and you know it.” He pulled up in front of the house and before he steps out.
“ You still don’t get it Karamella after I sat here an explain then you will never get it. I never felt sorry for you. It’s how you feel about yourself and it’s a damn shame.” He opens the car and pops opens the trunk, I go and open the door for him and he carries the boxes in. He went in and began putting up groceries as if he lived there. She hadn’t had a man in her space in nine years and up until this moment she couldn't believe how scared she was. Karmella wonder if the worry was pasted on her forehead as she waited for the results of her biospy would say for sure she had cancer. She would die a lonely old maid. She felt Anthony eyes on her, it was if he was trying to read her thoughts. He tossed the bottle in the recycling bin, he licked his lips and his dimples sunk in.
“ You are still so beautiful to me.”
She hadn't heard those words in a long time. She knew she was her worst enemy when it came to putting herself down. She pulled her hair behind her ear once again.
“ Thank you Anthony. I haven’t heard that in a long time.”
“ You should try telling yourself that in the mirror because what I see is nothing that you describe about yourself. I see a beautiful woman who smiles lights up the sky, a beautiful complexion, and luscious lips. No one should have permission to make you feel less of yourself. The tears she had learned to hide so well began to flow so freely. She ran into the bathroom and he followed her. He secured his arms around her and their she felt her safest. She felt his lips kiss her tears away. She shouldn’t succumb to him; he’d leave her again and go back into prison. He’d have sex with her and tomorrow disappear like the others. He’d ignore her calls and leave her broken hearted. Yet her heart was calling him loud and clear. When his lips reached her she knew resistance was futile. He had capture her and answered her heart call for the need to be touched, to be loved and liked by him.
Anthony kissed her for all the times he lost in the ten years they had not been together. Passion, desire, and years of yearning filled each kiss. His erection was anxious and at full attention. He allowed his hands to caress her body as she release sighs of pleasure, he pulls the dress over her head, and her full body was unmarked or not decorated with tattoos and piercing. He hated to see a woman body with tattoos and piercing to Anthony it took away from a woman’s natural beauty. He touched her to familiarize himself with her body again as his fingertips trace each part of her she shiver. She tried tocover her body with a towel but he took it away. Karamella hated the image of her full size body. No one thought being overweight was beatiful. She couldn’t recall the last time she made love naked or heard a man point out her beauty.
“I don’t feel comfortable standing in front of the mirror, Anthony. My body is…” His took off his clothes and her eyes were staring at his physique which reminds her of a body builder. The gunshot wounds where visible on his side and his chest. He stood behind her and kissing her earlobes and she lean into his chest.
“Open your eyes and look yourself and see the beautiful woman I am about to make love to. Do you see her? Her name is Pamela Karamella Brown. Look at her and word on my life she is sexy as hell.”
Karamella open her eyes and for that moment visualize she had the perfect body. Her stomach wasn’t huge with rolls of fat, her legs didn’t have cellulite, and she was the perfect size ten. She looked again and her actual body size imperfect, huge and ugly left her feeling ugly.
“I am not beautiful. Don’t lie to me to make me feel better please.” She tried her hardest to stop crying and to look in the mirror but she couldn’t. He wraps his arms around her squeezing her tight. He wanted for her to see his love for her was not artificial.
“One day you will see the beauty I see. You will look in the mirror and say I am beautiful.” He whisper in her ear.
anthony escorts her to the couch and lays her down, allowing his lips to kiss every inch of her. He buries his head in between her legs and she trembles as his tongue get lost in between her folds as she moans in ecstasy. Her legs weak she reaches her orgasm. He crawls to her and she touches his shaft, she'd never been so hungry and horny for a man the way she is for Anthony. He enters her so quickly she gasped for she hadn’t made love in nine years. His strokes overwhelmed her, causing her soft moans to become loud shrieks and shouts. He whisper in her ear,
“Ride me the way you use to?” She shakes her head no.
“I’m too heavy?
“I wouldn’t ask if I couldn’t handle it. You are just right for me” He lay on the bed and stroked his shaft twice. She got on top of him and prayed she didn’t hurt or break something.
“Am I too heavy?” She bent down and kissed the head before putting it inside her love tunnel. She began to go move slow hoping she didn’t hurt him.
“Move around on this dick it’s yours ain’t it? I am all yours. I love you.” He gently slaps her on the ass and she rode away her inhibitions as he lay back moaning her name. He stroke her hair, massage her breasts. His eyes rolled in the back of his head as her movements on his dick drove him to extreme passion.
“I’ve missed you so much. You feel all this love I have for you woman, huh? Damn, I love you.” He pulled her face down and kissed her again. He did indeed miss her, craved her at night when loneliness crept in. He had countless of women while incarcerated but none of them filled the position in his heart. He felt her body tremble as if earthquakes and shock waves hit her body and which in turn caused his release to spill inside of her. She was catching her breath; sweat rained off their bodies.
“I have missed you Anthony. I ‘m sorry I never mailed the letters I wrote to you. I just thought you’d never felt the way I did .” For several moments later she laid in his arms. The moment was perfect as they rekindle their love for one another.Her cell phone vibrated and she jumped. She looked with a fear in her eyes as she answer the phone as she walked to the bathroom.He closed his eyes but at the same time wondered why she got up to answer the phone.
“Hello. “ She whispered.
“Hi Ms. Brown this is Dr. Sheraton and I want you to come in to discuss your results of the test. It’s imperative you come in.” She knew that it wasn’t good news as tears drop down her face. The man of her life returns and now she was receiving bad news. She cleared her throat because she already knew it was the worst,
“I have cancer don’t I? Listen just go ahead and spit it out okay, please.” She begged.
“Yes, you’re test came back and you Breast Cancer. I would like you to come in tomorrow so we can discuss this more in depth as well as options for treatment.”
She tried to stifle her cries but she couldn’t because all that kept echoing in the back of her head was she had Breast Cancer. She finally found the strength to say,
“I’ll be in tomorrow at what time?”
“9:30a.m. and again I’m sorry.” She had to face Anthony but she refused to tell him. She heard the knob turn.” She wanted to lie and say she was all right.
“What’s wrong, Love? Talk to me please. She collapses in his arms and he held her. He had no clue what was wrong.
“Talk to me baby please.” He begged as his eyes filled with tears.
“I was just diagnosed with breast cancer.” He pulled her close and there on the bathroom floor they cried together. Anthony thought seeing her today wasn’t a coincidence but now he knew for sure that it was meant for him to see her and be apart of her life. He kisses away her tears trying to console her.
Karamella broke from Anthony’s embrace and reality sat in she had cancer and that this could kill her, she could lose her breast. She felt anger and rage take over her, she was convince she was cursed because anytime something good came into her life tragedy followed her like a lost puppy. Maybe she was meant to be alone, no one to love her and each second it became clear because something bad was always happening to her. Anthony tried to hug her again and she pushed him away. She didn’t want to rub off her bad karma on him. He had his life together and being with her would only bring him down. He didn’t deserve that he was too good of a man.
“Go Anthony please. Get out and leave me alone.” He pulled closer to Karamella and she pushed him away. He sucked his teeth and it was evident he was becoming frustrated with her. It was easier for her to let him go before he did it to her. He spoke,
“I’m not leaving you in this condition. I love you Karamella and I want to be here for you. Don’t push me away, please.” He pleaded.
She saw the love in his eyes for her but she didn’t know what was reality or fiction. She had so much on her mind, so much hurt that sat festering in her body and now it had became Cancer that ate at her. People had spoke often of loving her and they never truly meant it. What would make Anthony any different? No one cared about her and in truth she didn’t really care for herself that much. If she did she would have lost the weight, she would have ate better and got surgery to fix all her imperfections. She was only thirty-three years old and now her life would be over. Her mother and sister where right about her being a world class nobody. Anthony’s life was on point and she was not going to share her curse on him. The thoughts of him falling down and even ending up back in jail would be all her fault. She screamed,
“Get the fuck out Anthony. I don’t want you or nobody here. Go! I’m a ugly, fat curse and just go before I mess up your life.” His jaw twitch and he stood up and turns on the shower to wash up. He got dress and he didn’t look back her. He slammed the door and the windows shook.
Alone now and for a moment she thought of suicide taking a bottle of sleeping pills to end it all. Yet, she thought she was already dead inside, her body carried a spirit wounded and full of pain. Her life flashed back of the times she was teased, mistreated and ridicule. It was as if she was the worst thing that walked on this earth. If she could she go back and re-invent her lives she would have lost the fifty pounds, ate right and exercise. She cried and realized the only answer was to deal with how she dealt with everything else alone. Her mind rushed with questions, she touched her left breast, her nipple on her chest was inverted in, and she could feel the lumps all over it. What lied ahead for her she thought over and over again? She wanted to tell her mother and sister but they would blame her sickness on her weight. She wallowed in her faults and mistakes until her eyes closed and she slept until the sunlight danced on her face and heard the keys jingling and the chatter of voices.
The last thing she needed was for her mother to come to bring her spirits down. She wasn’t in the mood for anyone so she closed her eyes tight hoping they would go away. She’d wish they wouldn’t barge in the door the way they did with no regards for her privacy as if she was a young child. She pulled the sheets over her naked body. Her mother voice thick and loud,
“Pamela Karamella Brown, you in here, girl where you at? Why it smell so stale and nasty in here. It smells like sex. Don’t it Sherry?” She wanted them to leave and let her be. She put on her housecoat and walked into the living room. She heard Sherry squeaky voice co-sign.
“Yes Mama it sure does!” Sherry was her sister who was beautiful, small and marries a well off to a lawyer. She was the one Mama was most proud of because she was beautiful and the perfect size.
“Pamela what fool you had in here last night? I told you abut letting these no good ass men around you. They use you and abandon you.” Her mother went in the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee. She went in her refrigerator and pulled out the creamer and three apples Danish. Karamella sat at the table and looked at her family and debated on telling them anything.
“Mama and Sherry I need to tell you something. Can you just please listen to me?” Karamella sat at the table and like raindrops her tears fell. She needed her Mama and sister to be the rock for her and tell her it was going to be all right. She sniffled and releases a sigh.
“Mama I have Breast Cancer.” She blurted it out.
Her mother and sister looked at one another. She waited for them to hug her, to comfort her as she cried but instead her sister Sherry. Maybe with her illness they treat her better and as a woman.
“Karamellala, we told you that you needed to get some of that weight off you. Damn you are too young to have breast cancer. See you hard headed Karamella what you like three hundred pound now? That’s what happens when you eat all that garbage and don’t exercise. What you expect? Her mother chimed in and said.
“I hope you don’t expect us to take care of you and be running you to the doctor we got lives, girl. You put this on yourself had you listen to us and went to the gym and ate right you’d have a husband, better job and no damn cancer. At least now the cancer will eat at some of that blubber.” Her mother chuckled.
She couldn’t believe her ears and for the first time she had sunken to an all time low. She had never realized how hateful they where until today. She stood up from the table and there stood Anthony in the doorway. No one heard walk through the door with his white tee, jeans and new era cap on, his arms folded his look rugged with a chewstick in his mouth. He had heard verything her parent's said about her and for him it was the last time they would hurt his woman's feelings.
“ I don’t mean no harm for what I’m about say nah, fuck it yes I do. She doesn’t need you or her over there to take care of her. She got me her man if you two sorry ass excuses for women are here to belittle and tear her down you can get out. I’m not gonna stand here and let you hurt her no more. I don’t give damn who you are." He folded his arms. He stared them down.
“You don’t disrespect us like that Karamella call the police on this irrelevant motherfucker we your family. You gonna stand there and let him talk to me like that.” Her sister screamed.
Karamella couldn’t defend them because he was right she observe him and that moment he rescue her from their verbal abuse. They done this for years tearing down her spirit and soul because she was bigger than them.
“Mama and Sherry leave now. I just told you I had a cancer and not one of you hugged me, used a kind word. I am aware of my weight and shortcomings you have reminded me of them since I was a little girl. I’m sorry I never lived up to your expectation as a person you made it clear I am the failure of the family. So just leave me alone don’t worry I have my own insurance to take care of myself. You never love me anyway.”
Her mother wanted to say something and even seem to have some guilt show up on their face. Instead they grabbed their purses and gave Anthony a mean look as they stormed out the house. They knew not to say anything to him they where aware of his reputation. Anthony watched Karamella and waited for her to put him out. He’d prepared his speech while driving aimlessly around trying to figure out how he convince her he was here for the long haul. She stood up and walks close to him. She wanted to hug and kiss him for taking up for her. She wanted to believe it was he and her forever, yet forever was fairytales and it was unreal. She clears her throat.
“Thank you Anthony but go please don’t do this to me because you feel sorry for me. Cancer is bad thing and I am so use to bad stuff happening. Go find the perfect woman who has a size ten body, pretty, smart, and got it all together. You don’t want a woman like me fat, sick and just mess up and in debt. Just go okay I don’t want to mess up your life. You came out of prison, got a good job, an a apartment. I’m so proud of you and you need that perfect woman to make you complete, not me.” She kissed him on his cheek and turn away from him. He let her walk a few feet away.
“Do you love me, Karamella? All the times you have walked away and I asked you that you never gave me answer. On some real shit you don’t have that option to do that me today without an answer. If you don’t love me and can look me in the eye and say that honestly I’ll get the fuck gone and never trouble you again. SO DO YOU LOVE ME?”
She turned and her pretty eyes now red and swollen looked at him. She licked her lips and pulled her hair behind her ear. She answered,
“Yes, Anthony I do love you but you deserve so much better. I love you enough to let you go and let you get the person you deserve.” He removed his hat and scratches his head and walks over pour a cup of coffee. He takes a sip.
“That is a crock of bullshit and you know it. All you have told me is what you think I deserve and the woman who would be perfect for me. I am sitting in your face telling you I love you, I want to be here for you. When you ran away from me all those times and even after turning down my marriage proposal. Keeping it tall and funky with you I thought damn here a nigga showing her mad love and she keep pushing me away. Here I am revealing my true heart and shehas got to be crazy. Then after you threw my ass out once again it hit me a hard you’re afraid to be love by a prime nigga. You are scared of real love. You have lived in the lie of fake ass love so long you’ve gotten comfortable. I’m not going to let you run away from what you deserve. I always knew you where the one for me, no other woman fits but Pamela Karamella Jones. You always talking about your weight and I have never once down you about your size. Have I? Shit, to me love has no waist size for me. I’m not leaving you alone because I decided a long time ago you are the woman for me. I’m going to your doctor’s appointments and whatever battle this cancer has for you I’m there. I’m a loyal dude and mines are with you forever and a day. WE ARE GOING TO FIGHT THIS TOGETHER, HAND AND HAND. Okay so get cleaned up and stop crying so I can meet this doctor and come up with a plan of survival.”
She hugged him and held him tight because he was his strength. She did love him and had never stopped. She found some strength in his words and the days that follow where not easy. That day of her visit she discovered she had Stage 3B inflammatory Breast Cancer. The cancer had spread to her chest wall,lymph nodes and her skin. It was fatal but she had options like aggressive chemotherapy and radiation. It was the first time she had saw Anthony cry, he ask all kinds of questions. It was him who ask all kinds of questions, sat at the library for hours researching cures and experimental trials that would maintain her life.
Anthony stayed true to his promise of not leaving her side and being there from having to be the person who shaved her hair when it began to fall out from the chemotherapy. Anthony even bathed her when she was too weak to do it. He knew it was hard for her the day she had to have a full mastectomy of her left breast. He reminded her everyday of how beautiful she was and it was true.
He became her best friend, her lover and the reason she fought so hard to live. It was him who would rub and massage her body when she ached. He, who made sure she ate, made it to her doctor appointments and support groups. They say thugs from the hood don’t do that and they could never love as hard as Anthony loved Karamella. What an untruth because Anthony gave her his all and then some. His brothers and soldiers even came and bought flowers. They would care for her too while Anthony went to work they made CDs and even went on to donate money to help pay for her medical bills and medicine. It was his brothers who bought over lemon and ginger candy when she would have that metal taste in her mouth.
She had never felt so loved and cared for in her life the way she did now. Whatever she needed even if was for him to read with her it was done with no questions asked. She never knew a man could be so patient and attentive while sometimes she knew she was driving him crazy. He would say,
“I made a commitment to you because I love you deeply. I take care of you because I want to.”
He took her dancing in the park, the movies and bought her wigs and hats to match her outfits, he encouraged her and inspired her to not quit on her life because he made it a constant reminder that he needed her. He bought her inspirational books and would put daily quotes fon her wall to read. He would write her love letters and rub her feet.
On her one year anniversary he threw her a party in honor of remission. He gave her a beautiful pink pendant and bought tickets to her see her favorite performers. He just knew that she had beaten cancer. She looked healthier, her hair had even started to grow back and she didn’t look so pale. She smile more and begin to do the things she loved. Her spunk return and nothing made him happier.
“Baby I got good news for you.” He walked over and kissed her on her lips. He flashed two tickets in front of her.
“Tickets to what, baby?”
“Charlie Wilson, Mint Condition and Anthony Hamilton concert that coming to the convention center in two weeks.” She was wrapped in two blankets and trembling. She looked pale and her eyes watery.
“Wow that great.” She smiled and watches as he went through his daily routine. Anthony sat in the lounge chair and kicked off his boots, he undressed in front of her and he was so handsome. He lend his back off and she saw how tired he was between working a job, help taking care of her, going to doctor’s appointment. Since her treatment she lost about sixty pounds and begins to look different. Her face was thinning out, her thighs shrunk. She hung her head low because she felt like she just took over his life over. She had done so little for this man. She got up today and went in her closet and found all the letters she wrote him. Five hundred letters not mailed. All love letters of her love for him.
She went to family dollar and bought a beautiful pink box with roses on it. Inside of it she put each letter in it each organize my month and year. She places the letter on the bottom of her goodbye letter to him. She found out that the cancer had come out of remission and she had only a few more months to live. She promised to keep it to herself and not burden him anymore. They had fought a good fight and she had come to terms with dying. She remembered he spoke of loving the antique pocketwatch that his father had but was stolen the day he was murder. She found a replica of the watch he showed her in the picture.
"What’s on your mind? You look sad what did the doctor say today?”
“Nothing much same stuff you know. I’m fine Anthony and besides I don’t want to talk about that. I have a gift for you. You have been so good to me so I found something that you will always remember me by.” She walked in the bedroom and bought out the pink box with a beautiful bow. She handed it to him.
“Damn Ma you didn’t have to this. Thank you Baby.” He stood up and kisses her. He opens the box and there was the velvet box resting on top of the letters.
“Those are all the letters I wrote you while you where away. I never forgot you and I am so sorry I never mailed them when you needed them the most. I appreciate everything you have done for me. I just wanted to show you my appreciation.”
He sat her on his lap and he wrapped her in his arms around her. He opens the velvet box and the 24kt gold pocket watch caught his breath and he ran his finger over it. Memories of his father flash flooded his mind. He open it and inside of it was a picture if him as a child with his father. Karamella took his level of love, admiration, and respect to another level no one in the world could understand. He put her fingers in his.
“I love you so much, Karamella. On some real truth I’m overwhelmed with this. It looks just like the one my father had. Marry me Karamella, please. Be my wife.” He took the ring out of his pocket, he put the 5-karat ring on her finger, and she began to cry. Karamella had dream of this proposal for so many years. She kissed him again. She knew her fate and nothing would be the perfect gift but to marry the man she loved.
“Yes I’ll be your wife.”
Four months later
Pamela Karamella Brown –Smith died five days after their wedding. Each moment they shared was accounted for the ten years they missed out on. His love for her is what brings him here today at Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure along with his brothers who are racing in the memory of her. They have the words; “IN LOVING MEMORY OF KARAMELLA Brown-SMITH” on the back of their tee-shirts. He would have never imagined himself here doing this alone without her. He missed her so much that some days he would break down and cry. He found himself working double shifts to not miss her so much. He would pick up her picture and realize she taught him a valuable lesson about love
Large amounts of people believe love comes in the right shape, the right face or waist sizes miss out on what is authentic love. Love when it’s real is blind to the physical, when it’s real he will see past that as Anthony did. We have painted picture of love to be one way and it will never have a waist size, certain look or dress. Love is a feeling not a look. Karamella was what he needed in his life and he prayed everyday that she recognized her beauty, her kindness and the very reason he fell in love with her. It takes a man with a big heart to help a woman heal from her insecurities, her self- doubt but in the end worth every investment in time. If he had a second chance with Karamella he would ask God to restore her heart to love the woman she was at any size. He looked up in the sky and whispered, “ This is for you , Karamella. I love you Baby” The gun popped and he ran with hundreds of other people for one reason and one reason only LOVE.
One day while missing her real hard he open the pink box while on vacation and while Charlie Wilson “You are” plays softly in the background he began to read each of her letters. It took him a week to read each letter and when he got to the last letter dated December 28th. He opens it and he could smell her, he could feel her arms holding him close. He ran his fingers across the envelope and began to read it.
Remember the day we saw each other again, I saw you first several days before but was so afraid to approach you. Somethings are meant to be and when my bag broke I knew it was only God giving me a sign. It was he placing us in the same place because he knew I needed you in my life. In my most difficult times you have made them my happiest. Because of you I now know what real love is and that there are men like you who love with your heart and not your eyes. Thank you for loving me, making love to me, making me feel beautiful even when I didn’t see it for myself. The days you fought for my life harder than I did. I will forever love you for that.
Today I took off my clothes and looked in the mirror I could see nothing but the beauty of me. Scared, bald and with one tit I conquer my fears. I felt beautiful, I felt loved, and it was because you taught me that beauty was skin deep and it overflows from my heart. I am honored to have had your love in my life. In a time when I felt so unloved you show me differently. You cater to me and treated me like a Queen. I can remember you crying while shaving my hair and rubbing my back on the days I would vomit all over the place. You never forgot to kiss me good morning and good night. Many of days I would wonder why God chose me to have such a wonderful man. I realize I pray for you and God answered. What a blessing it is to know my prayers where answered. You are my angel and for that I can die in peace. I can accept fate and know that I am liked and loved.
It is hard to say goodbye to my soul mate, my friend, my lover, and my husband in spirit. I planned to spend forever with you and it was not in God’s plan. I know that God has chosen me to watch over you as you did for me on earth. I can protect you, care for you, and always shield you from harm. I know eventually you will join me and we can spend the afterlife together at least I pray. I am no longer in fear to die because I found someone to love me and teach me that it does not have a waist size.
Anthony, I ask that after I am gone you continue to love. In a world where people hearts are built with stone you out of all people always had a soft spot. You are the reason I have lean to trust that they’re good men out here. You restore my faith in life and that within itself is the best gift a woman can receive from a man. Thank you and even after I am gone I will continue to love you. When you are afraid, sad or hurt I will be there.
I love you forever and a day,
Pamela Karamella Brown-Smith
He closes the letter, wipes his eyes and took their wedding picture and kissed it. He saw the curtain move. He smile because he knew she was at peace and no matter how painful he knew his wife love him and most importantly she died loving herself. God had answered his prayers and it eases his mind. She recognizes that Love has no waist size.
© 2011 Tamyara Brown- Tamluvstowrite
Author Tamyara Brown
My love for writing is unconditional. It is my sanity in this crazy world.